My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
