I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
