First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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