i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
