The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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