Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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