Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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