just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
