I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
