new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
