just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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