I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
