Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
