i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
