is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
