I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
