My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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