So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
