His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
