i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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