he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
