i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
