we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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