Betty ford says i'm here all night
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize