omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
