New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
