1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
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