You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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