I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
third nipple confirmed
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
