How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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