Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
