her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
