I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
third nipple confirmed
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think people are normalizing furries
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
