He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
