i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
