maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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