Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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