i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
