shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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