It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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