just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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