And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
