I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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