i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
