I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
