she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
