I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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