He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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