Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
