I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
