just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
